I began to ponder this question after a friend commented that another friend had a really good marriage. Being naturally inquisitive, I wondered what that meant. What constitutes a good relationship? We’ve come a long way since ‘honour and obey,’ I hope. Surely a partnership has to be equal, reciprocal and symbiotic?

But what does that look like in practice?

Recently, someone I know got married and a group of us were asked what advice we would give them as they were starting out.

One person said they’d need to show commitment, and I wasn’t sure what that meant. Because it’s a broad term.

I thought about it.

So, I suppose commitment means a promise, a firm decision to do something, or the dedication of time and energy to a particular cause, activity, or relationship. It involves binding yourself intellectually or emotionally to a course of action. I can see how two people committing equally to a common cause would be the basis for some success. As long as they both want to do it. But if they don’t, no amount of commitment will make it work. It would be about throwing lots of effort at somethng futile.

The words ‘binding yourself’ make me a little uncomfortable.

I tried to put my finger on the essence of a good relationship.

What about loyalty, I thought? It’s loyalty that keeps me with the people I feel close to. But not the ones I don’t. I don’t feel loyal just for the heck of it. And loyalty’s not enough. A dog is loyal. That’s a partnership, of sorts.

So what is the real basis of a strong bond?

I asked my partner, Big G, and he said ‘Look at who’s been together the longest. That must mean they are compatible.’

Maybe. But the amount of time spent with someone doesn’t equal how happy they are. It doesn’t include those people who’ve just started out, who might have great relationships.

Once a relationship stops working, though, there’s a decision to be made about whether it’s salvageable. And that’s where commitment comes in. Or doesn’t.

 Those days are gone when people stayed together because others might disapprove if they split up. Or just because the alternative of living alone or starting again is too difficult to conceive. People have to want to be with someone – otherwise what’s the point? Being by yourself is so much better than being with someone you don’t want to be with.

I thought about friends’ successful relationships, and it occurred to me that a ‘happy couple’ shared several factors. A sense of humour. Tolerance. They pull in the same direction.

These are good attributes, but it still doesn’t answer my question.

I thought about my parents’ marriage. My mum told me that she ‘knew’ my dad, the good bits and the less good bits, as if that knowledge armed her with the means to cope. And she loved him and he loved her, so the bad bits weren’t that bad.

And she’d have said that respect was important, although respect is another vast concept with many faces.

A lovely man I respect – in the sense that he has a good heart – once said of his beautiful wife, ‘There wouldn’t be any point in me getting another one instead of her. I’d have to start all over again.’

That set me thinking. Shared history, shared experiences are important factors too. But in some marriages and partnerships, there might be experiences you’d never want to share again.

Yes, respect is important. I respect lost of people. But I wouldn’t want to live with them.

So, why not? Maybe I can turn this thought into a positive answer.

Other things are necessary. Attraction. Shared beliefs. Compatible personality traits.

Now we’re getting there.

I asked my kids what made a good partnership. One of them said, ‘Who knows? Not me.’

The other said, ‘It’s about being on the same page, wanting the same things and sharing those ideals and wishes.’

Both my kids are wise in their different ways.

Then I came up with three words: physical, emotional, intellectual. Are these the three boxes that need to be ticked in order for a partnership to work well?

And is there a fourth area? The ability to communicate, to listen and to express feelings with clarity.

At this point I fell about laughing. It’s a horses for courses thing, isn’t it?

What suits one person won’t suit everyone. And it’s impossible for anyone on the outside to know what another’s relationship is like on the inside.

My youngest kid is right. Who knows what works for someone else? Not me. I’m just a girl, doing my best to come up with answers when there probably aren’t any easy ones. Successful relationships work depending on the two-person equation and the resulting dynamic, and so many other factors that are too complex to analyse. Time. Place. Purpose.

One thing is absolutely true. I wouldn’t make a very good relationship counsellor.

Or maybe, based on all this, I would…